Things you should never say to your Sensei...

This is a bit tounge in cheek, but there are definitely a few in here that I have experienced first hand.

What you should never say to your Sensei:
-After his impressive breaking demo, say ' boards don't hit back
-Instead of bowing to him, raise your hand and say ' give me five
-What would you do if I shot you ?
-That looks just like Karate
-But WHY would a monkey steal a peach?
-Yes, sensei.
-'That looks more like an ape than a cat...'
-I'm just trying to sweat out a hangover today, so could you take it easy on me?
-When will I be a sensei?
-'You are not a Jedi yet.'
-Ever get your *** kicked ?
-That's not how Billy Blank punches.
-Can we start a Tae Bo class ?
-No, no, Sensei... it's like a finger pointing at the moon...
-No way! If a monkey fought a tiger then the monkey would NEVER win!
-Dragon Fan Form? So you've seen a dragon using a fan have you?
-How the hell can a panther make a fist?
-All right - now show us that again, but put these 18 hole Doc Martens on first. That's what people in the street wear
-Ah, so Jit Fu means Blocking Tiger. How many bullets can a tiger block?
-You come one step closer, old man, and you'll be coughing up pepper spray for a week!
-'What do I do with this long stick?'
-'Your kung fu may be good, but I bet I can drink you under the table...'
-'What do you do in real life?'
-That pushing hands didn't look real. He was just falling over for you."
-'The guy in the dojo down the road says your kung fu is pants...'
-'Aah! Daniel-san!'
-'Aah! Grasshopper!'
-(when sensei shows you a technique).."yeah, but check THIS out...".
-"...hmmm...yeah, that's cool, but I don't know if Bruce would do it that way...".
-I don't think you could hurt anyone with that technique.
-Bruce Lee was the greatest martial artist of all times.
-Wow, your daughter is one hot babe !
-I can't get that block right, can you show me it again (P.S. Be sure to have cell phone pre-dialed to 911 if you use this.)
-Oh, come on! That wouldn't really work.
-That workout wasn't tough at all.
-So, when does the work out REALLY begin?"

Things You don't want your Sensei to say to you...
-I'm going to try to do this lightly.
-That pressure point is located. . .
-Now, throw a punch at me
-Everyone do the next movement in the form, now hold still while I check
-Today we will work on internal strikes, here hold this phone book against your chest.
-Just one more. . .Ok now just one more. . .
-OK, block the first punch. . .
-I like to call myself a groin technologist.
-So, you want to date my daughter.
-Now, hold this apple in your mouth.
-You punch like David Carradine.
-Very funny.
-I once kicked Bruce Lee's ***.
-Try to catch this arrow.
-Okay, today you're all going to spar *my* sifu, whom, as you all know, I've never managed to beat...
-Right, this will be lots of fun...
-(If you are the current "demonstration toy) Now look what happens when I increase the pressure...
-Come and do forearm conditioning with me...
-'The first of you up from horse stance gets the first round in at the bar...'
-Ok better get the tiger balm
-Last one to finish their punches fights the Sensei...
-I brought A special guest To show us how to you the tiger claw right... ok you can let him out now... ouch he must have been hungry...
-Ok today we are sparring with my undefeated daughter full contact!!!
-(while you are sensei's "demonstration toy") "OK, that was the nice way to do that technique. Now let me demonstrate the mean and nasty way to do it."